Following a particularly rough midterm season, and under the nose of school authorities, a group of students have banded together and agreed upon the somewhat controversial policy wherein any student who scores above the mean on a test will be stripped naked, tied to a table in White Plaza, and subjected to Chinese water torture before a public drawn and quartering with golf carts to deter any other high-achieving students from being such nerds. 

The policy was the brainchild of sophomore Judy Willis, who was found by friends making snow angels in the fountain in White Plaza after taking a sketchy batch of acid she found at a party to stave off her fear of her looming Chem 33 midterm later in the week. 

“There I was, feeling like I was shaping the very fabrics of time and space with my bare hands, when I realized that my fear of my midterm could be avoided if everyone in the class simply decided not to be fucking nerds,” Willis said. “I knew this would be hard to achieve lest I made the punishment as bad as could be, though, because everyone in my class acts like they’re fucking Bill Nye. As in they aggressively act as if they are Bill Nye. Not like they’re having sex with him. Although, on second thought, maybe both?”

Summoning her friends and a coalition of other students who hated to see others succeed, the group made a blood oath that anyone who scored above the average score on an exam would be stalked by a member of the association, and, under the veil of night, stripped and tied to a table in White Plaza. Reportedly, students are then forced to repent their sin of studying and being a good test taker.

“I spent so much time on this plan that I didn’t study at all for my CS 103 midterm, but honestly, that’s how it should be,” freshman Aubrey Clement said. “Studying is really just unfair if you think about it. If you’re spending time by yourself studying, you’re just cheating the kids who have more important things to do than study, like film Tech-Deck trick videos or go to Treehacks. Like you’re punishing people for not being nerds.”

Rumor of the policy has already reached the ears of those group study people in Green library, and a mix of fear and relief is beginning to ripple through the student body. As of press time, an AlertSU has been sent out telling students to remain cautious and monitor their study partners carefully after midterms. 

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