This past Friday, Mitt Romney announced that he will not be running for president, and instead will leave the conservative political landscape open for prospective candidate Jeb Bush. Some party sources proposed that Romney dropped out in order to shore-up support for Bush among those unable to decide between the two; however, according to Mr. Romney, the answer was much simpler.

 “I was sitting in my money tub, considering all the effort that went into my last campaign, when I suddenly remembered how totally loaded I am!” Romney stated in his press release on Friday.

 “Why should I work hard to become President of the United States when I could just use my personal fortune to exercise real power?” the former Massachusetts governor continued, blowing his nose into a crisp one hundred dollar bill pulled from his pocket.  “All I have to do is pull the strings and watch my puppets dance!”

 Remarked Republican party leader Michael Steele, “It’s good to see that old Mitt is ready to settle down and has finally realized how obnoxiously wealthy he really is.”

 “I feel like it’s finally time to hang up the old campaign jacket in the closet of my second Mexican villa, and sit by the infinity pool with my specialty-bred pet Liger resting by my side,” Mr. Romney concluded.  “I’m looking forward to another four years in the true seat of power, that seat being made of gold-embroidered black rhino leather.”

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