This past week, as purchases of diagonally striped clothing on the part of the nation’s infants spiked, one intrepid group of researchers at Duke University decided to investigate. Using a combination of both qualitative and quantitative data gathered from fashion connoisseurs across the country, they found diagonal or otherwise asymmetrical stripes to be unflattering on persons under 2 years of age.

“This is a breakthrough for our Department,” reported Dr. Terry Campbell, a Duke professor and head researcher on the “Diagonal Striped Clothing on Infants” team. Campbell was also content that the message will finally get through to the newborns about their style choices. “I don’t want to say it any more than they want to hear it,” continued Campbell, “but the brutal truth is that a lot of newborns like to prance around in clothing with diagonal stripes of any and every color, and they look ridiculous.”

The Flipside also spoke with repudiated Austrian fashion designer Emilie Louise Flöge about the study and its significance. “Newborns look at a simple white dress with some red diagonal stripes and think it will be a fun spring look, but it just comes off as a nauseating nouveau-riche fad.” Flöge was one of many experts advising the research of the study, and was paramount to putting together the study in Durham. As the interview ended, Flöge added, “Maybe these young babies should try and read my book on style, learn a thing or two. Ever heard of layering, infants?”

The study should go a long way in preventing newborn babies from purchasing clothing with diagonal stripes on it, in a way that no study before it has. As of press time, no infant children were available for comment.

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