Noting the young man appeared irritatingly confident and self-assured, sources confirmed yesterday that junior Brian Murk must think he’s really hot shit ‘cuz of all those clothes he’s wearing all the time.

“God, what a prick—all he does is walk around with that smug grin and those cottony pants and shirt that conceal his naked form,” senior Claire Marcos told reporters, adding that Murk’s socks and shoes, placed carefully over his dainty feet, just screamed “douchebag.” “Like, where does he get those clothes? The clothes store? And what does he do when he takes them off? Are they disposable or something? God, this guy is such a tool.”

Murk himself did little to explain his behavior, insisting that he didn’t mean to bother anyone. “Look, it’s something I’ve done my whole life, and I really don’t see what’s wrong with it,” Murk claimed, apparently ignorant to the universally-accepted fact that placing fabric over exposed skin is a telling sign of being an incorrigible prick. “I wear just some normal clothes! It’s not like I’m making a statement or anything—it’s just part of who I am [and is likely a misguided ploy to draw attention to myself because I’m a reckless narcissist who wants to ruin the day of everyone I come in contact with.] Call me the Clothes-Man! See what I care!”

At press time, witnesses reported that Murk was walking down the street wearing a red polo and shorts, marring the beauty of his surroundings and spitting in the face of God.

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