Following the firing of all Kairos staff members last week, the Flipside has received reports that the house is steadily devolving into a state of brutal dog-eat-dog anarchy — and the situation seems to only be getting worse.

Initially, neighboring houses reported hearing shrieks and groans coming from the now-ungoverned 586 Mayfield Ave co-op. Residents of those houses speculated that the terrified vocalizations were the result of issues with coordinating cleaning shifts or mediating roommate disagreements, but none were brave enough to enter the presumably Mad Max-esque hellscape to check.

It was only once a lone Kairos resident, dressed in torn rags and holding nothing but a blood-stained socket wrench, turned up on the doorstep of Grove that the true state of the once-prime residency became known.

“When I found out what was really going on, I was shocked,” a Phi Psi brother remarked. “Nothing I’d thought of was even close to as bad as what was actually happening within.”

As it turns out, the true result of the chaos in Kairos was entirely stemming from the rapid devolution of Wine and Cheese nights, the popular all-campus events the house often throws. According to the lone refugee, issues include the use of boxed rather than bottled wine and the replacement of cheese platters with a single communal bottle of Cheez 2 Go (a self-described “sprayable dairy-based aerosol product”).

“I can’t believe this is happening. I mean obviously, it sucks that those students lost their jobs and housing, but the fact that Wine and Cheese might stop? That’s crazy,” freshman Max Li said. “I mean, what am I going to do on Wednesday nights from now on?”

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