Researchers Find Natty and Life On Mars

October 9, 2014 9:00 am
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Researchers Find Natty and Life On Mars

Reports have been slowly coming in over the weekend, but what was long suspected has now been proven conclusively true: there is, in fact, life on Mars. Stanford scientists first took notice when they saw groups of people walking towards the doors of Mars starting at approximately 10:00 PM Friday night, drawn by the possibility of water. Suspicions rose as the glow of neon lights were seen emanating from one of the rooms on the third floor, but these suspicions were not confirmed until 11:15 PM, when sensors detected the distinct sound of Lil Jon’s “Turn Down For What” being blasted from stereos within the house.

“Of course, we had long thought that there was life on Mars, we just weren’t able to prove it,” said one of Stanford’s eminent sociologists. “After we discovered evidence of Natty Light on Mars, we figured it was only a matter of time before local organisms began fueling up and starting a party, and we ended up with real nightlife.

Little is known of the nature of the life found on Mars, but top researchers have agreed that it is definitely not as fratty and conspicuous as that of its neighbor, Sigma Nu, nor as colorful and crunchy as that of the adjacent Columbae. That being said, Mars is special in its own way—reports seem to indicate that it has far more life than Phi Sig, and that its wildlife appears to enjoy “getting low.”

While confident in their past discoveries, as of press time, there is no word as to whether there will be life on Mars again this weekend.

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