Vatican Labels New Testament “Fanfiction”

April 23, 2018 12:00 pm
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Vatican Labels New Testament “Fanfiction”

The Holy See — In a shocking revelation Sunday morning, Pope Francis has announced that the entire New Testament is now, canonically, a work of fanfiction.

“After extensive research and consultation with experts,” he explained from the balcony of the Vatican, “we have definitively concluded that the second half of God’s Scripture appears to be ‘fanfic’ written to expand on the characters that His Chosen People came to know and love in the what was originally meant to be a single stand-alone work.”

While His Holiness conceded that this news might shock many Christians around the globe, he expressed his hope that they’d eventually come to see the revision in a positive light.

“This should not diminish the impact that Biblical messages have on their readers,” the Bishop of Rome and Supreme Pontiff of the Universal Church urged. “Many powerful spiritual ideas are contained in the New Testament — and since anyone can create fan works, that means all of you are capable of being just as inspirational.”

Pope Francis acknowledged that this would be a significant change for the Church, but expressed confidence that it would ultimately serve to make the Good Word more accessible to people worldwide.

“As we speak, the clergy’s most brilliant theologicians are working around the clock to categorize the myriad headcanons we anticipate receiving from members of the fandom,” the Archbishop and Metropolitan of the Roman Province promised. “Self-insert, shipping, fluff, crossover with other religions, alternate universe — these will all be welcomed in the House of the Lord.”

“My personal favorite,” he added after pausing for a moment, “are cross-generational ships, such as the Saint Augustine/Saint Aquinas saga I’ve been following on Tumblr.”

The Church has yet to update its catechisms to clarify whether sexually-explicit “slashfic” will also be condoned.