When I got a pet snake for Christmas, I thought it would be nice to bring it back to school and let it live in my dorm with me. I imagined it slithering from room to room, bringing a little serpentine cheer to all whom it encountered. Call me a doddering old fool, but had my pet snake put a smile on even one person’s face, it would’ve all been worth it.

Imagine my surprise, then, when my scaly companion was met not with love and compassion but instead faced shrieks, gasps, and all too frequently, the crushing weight of booted feet desperately trying to stomp it to death!

As such, in the face of these distressing and altogether unforeseen circumstances, I implore all of you: please stop treading on my snake.

Now, I know you’ve been conditioned to think of snakes as evil, perhaps even deadly. But I cannot emphasize enough that this is not the case with mine. It is not only a garter snake, but a defanged garter snake at that, meaning it poses absolutely no threat at all to dorm residents. What more, it has a great personality; it’s friendly, compassionate, and a great listener. If my pet snake had shoulders, I’m sure they’d be great to cry on.

So again, I urge each and every one of you: kindly desist from treading on my snake.

And look, I get it. You have a lot on your minds. So I gave you the benefit of the doubt and assumed that each time you saw my snake, you only assaulted it because you’d forgotten that it wasn’t a dangerous beast but was actually my pet (and, I might add, my closest friend). But that’s why I put up all those flags you may have noticed around the dorm, the ones with a drawing of my pet snake and a little caption reminding you that it would be inappropriate to stand on top of it. And yet even now, you continue to perpetrate this abuse upon my beloved reptile.

Please, please, please, a million times over. Stop. Treading. On. My. Snake.

Oh, and another thing? Taxes are theft, and any government that degrades man’s God-given right to private property and free enterprise is an illegitimate exertion of federal power that can and must be overthrown by the righteous masses.

Anyways, yeah, please stop treading on my goddam pet snake.

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