A research team at the Stanford psychology department recently completed a two year study on you and every single other person. After a comprehensive review of the results, the research team concluded that everyone else has it better than you in every single way, most likely because you suck so hard at everything.

“We were really excited by the results,” said Susan Meunier, chief researcher of the study. “Our evidence strongly suggests that most people have everything figured out. They’re getting 9-10 hours of sleep everyday, acing their classes, and are all exactly as sexually active as they want to be.” Meunier also explained that her team’s results prove that you are having none of this success, probably because you are such a dumb, lazy piece of garbage.

“Given the results, I would recommend that most people just keep on flossing twice a day, getting hundreds of likes on social media, and making their parents proud.” said Malcolm Stevens, assistant researcher on the study. “And for that one other person, you know exactly who you are, get your shit together. I mean learn how to talk to people and read a fucking book, for crying out loud. You’re the worst.”

As of press time, Meunier and her team have begun work on a follow-up study that will look into why your face is so ugly.

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