Furrowing his brow, aspiring serial killer Joseph Michael Evans expressed frustration earlier today that all the best modus operandi for systematic mass murders have already been claimed.

“Some aesthetic or symbolic consistency would be nice, but all the cool ideas have been used up!” Evans sighed. “The Greenwich Slasher has a whole ‘escaped asylum inmate’ thing going on, and Latexman went all in on that kinky BDSM look — how am I supposed to break into the biz if there’s nothing good left?”

Counting on his fingers the various lethal implements which older and better-established killers have already made a name for themselves with — garden shears, bear traps, a comically oversized croquet mallet — Evans grew more and more desperate for a unique weapon or macabre pattern to call his own.

“Obviously anything Biblical is played out, and cryptic riddles are sooooo cliche, but I was really hoping I could find something to tie my trail of horror together,” he muttered. “Ideally the papers could turn it into a fun, alliterative nickname like  ‘Jackknife Joe’ or ‘Doctor Drillbit’ or maybe even ‘The Bloody Basher,’ just like mama used to call me.

At one point, Evans perked up excitedly at the idea of orienting each kill around a different element in the periodic table, only to dejectedly settle back down upon remembering that the exact same MO was used by the Detroit-area “Chemical Madman of Michigan” (active 1987-1989).

“This suuuucks, bro,” Evans moaned, flipping absentmindedly through a well-worn Moleskin notebook in which he’d doodled various rituals with which to accompany his anticipated killings. “I’m gonna get stuck with some obscure shit like, I dunno, using silver Tiffany salad tongs to pull out teeth as keepsakes or replicating the Brady Bunch title sequence. Goddammit!”

At press time, the 17-year-old prom queen who Evans kidnapped several days ago — and had been keeping in his basement until he could come up with a clever way to off her — had finally broken free of her zip-ties, only to discover amongst his weapons collection a Lucky Cat, a harmonica, and several barbie doll legs.

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