Following the NRA’s fumbling response to the tragic Newtown shooting, the organization has rallied around a new image for the organization, that of a champion of child safety. “We are fully committed to protecting our society’s youngest, and there’s no better way than arming them with the latest semi-automatic weapons,” an NRA spokesman stated this weekend; “who would attack a school when even the 5 year olds can put down their crayons and shoot back with their Kindergarten Colt from Mattel™?”

The organization will formally begin this endeavor on Monday with television advertisements on Cartoon Network including messages such as “Remington bolt-action .72 beats rock, scissors, AND paper!” “4 out of 5 T-Rex’s recommend the Smith and Wesson long range pistol – RAWR!,” along with the release of a new Hello-Goodbye Kitty assault rifle from Bushmaster. Many Americans have expressed concern over this new campaign, claiming that the guns combined with our nation’s declining educational system will only lead to “disappointing Battle Royale spinoffs.”

Despite the lack of popular support, the NRA remains confident. “Science tells us that gun control is for pussies,” said Robert Brown, an NRA board member, “I say we fight gunfire with gunfire.” Analysts are confident that this approach will be effective, citing the widespread success among women with last year’s “shatter the glass ceiling with a .50 caliber” ad in Women’s Health Magazine.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…