Palo Alto, CA — Sunday, October 17th, Area rapscallion Billy Thompson, 12, reportedly stepped out of his room with an important announcement to make: “I’m a big kid now, and I won’t be trick-or-treating this year.” His self-satisfied smile said it all — the rite-of-passage into adulthood was complete. “I really never thought trick-or-treating was fun,” added Thompson, “it was mostly something I did ironically.”

Local authorities on big-kid issues say that this is a strong move for Thompson, who will advance his social life by inviting friends to his room to crowd around a laptop playing a scary movie on Halloween in an avant-garde ‘nudist on strike’ costume, rather than going door-to-door in Palo Alto for candy. Thompson has already made plans to supply illicit sweet wine for his fellow party-goers, since “that sugar rush is really the only reason anyone might consider trick-or-treating.” Eye-witnesses, at first dumbfounded by this move, have now made plans to join Thompson in his calculatedly un-festive room this Halloween. “I can’t say I’m not concerned by Billy’s decision this year,” said his mother, Mrs. Thompson. “But who am I to get in the way of this transitional moment between sweet little kid and middle school douchebag.”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…