PROVIDENCE, RI—After years of consistently high scores in all subjects with the exception of mathematics, the Camden Academy Primary School has finally discovered the root of the problem. Noting that all the boys in remedial math classes seemed to be missing more fingers than was average, Principal Harry Marsden hired a few researchers to collect data and investigate the issue. The findings revealed that poor math scores were indeed linked to an abnormal number of fingers reported by students.

“I can’t believe we never noticed it before,” reported Principal Marsden. “The answer was right in front of our faces the entire time!  The students who were receiving the lowest scores in math also stated on their surveys that they had less, or even sometimes more, fingers than average!” 

As one researcher reports, “You wouldn’t know it from looking at them, but these remedial math students are all also suffering from having the wrong number of fingers.”  The study also concluded that English, history, foreign language, and science scores were not affected. “Of course,” stated the researcher, “you don’t need to count in those kinds of classes! You don’t need fingers for any subject in elementary school except math.” 

In an effort to remedy the school’s predicament, Principal Marsden met with teachers to devise an alternative plan to aid the children with counting. As of press time, the committee was debating the sanitary and aesthetic consequences of allowing the boys to wear flip-flops, and whether the correlation between math skills and irregular numbers of digits would expand to number of toes.

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