CHICAGO, IL – Local reports out of the Windy City indicate that Stanford senior Dudley Chase, having made the mistake of submitting a resume that was an accurate representation of his administrative and editorial skills, was laughed out of the Lewis Enterprises boardroom on Sunday. Apparently, upon reading Chase’s one-page CV and associated cover letter, the board’s 8 members broke out into a sustained bout of spontaneous laughter, pausing only to point frantically at the inadequacies on the sheet of paper.

CFO Daniel Mears said, cackling, “Can you believe this guy? Look at this shit. 6 months experience ‘filing’?! Unpaid ‘voluntary’ work for his dad’s law firm? Look at him, he actually thinks he has a shot at this job!” Chief Counsel Madelyn Borriello could not be reached for comment at first, given that she had tears streaming down her face and was only capable of making strangled sobs as she struggled to speak. “He… put… Excel… as….a …. skill!!!” said Borriello finally.

Chase, who as of yet has received no response to his resume submission, remains in a state of excited anticipation. “No news is good news, right? I don’t want to give them any false expectations about what I can do if offered the job. Who I am is who I am.”

According to Lewis Enterprises, the position will be filled by Mears’ niece, who did ‘philanthropy’ for three weeks on her summer vacation.

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