Eyewitnesses at Stern Dining have reported that the cafeteria’s salsa verde is trying real hard to look like guacamole but that it doesn’t, can’t, and never will. It just isn’t smart enough.

“That stupid, stupid salsa verde is acting like people actually think it’s guac”, noted regular Stern diner and avid burrito bowler Margarie Sportello. “But then you get up close to it, and you notice it’s way too smooth, and it has all those weird little specks in it. And you’re just like, guac doesn’t have those traits, moron. And it sure isn’t this wet you dumb fucking imbecile.”

“I’d tell the salsa verde to go screw itself, but it probably wouldn’t know how” added Sportello. “It’s too goddam stupid.”

Although the salsa verde is between the sour cream and the pico de gallo, right where a reasonable diner would expect guacamole to be, and from a distance it even seems like the right shade of green, experts have confirmed that the idiot tomatillo-based dipshit doesn’t hold a candle to it’s avocado-based superior, no matter what it’s pitiful little salsa verde brain believes.

“Some people might mistake this green sauce for that other green sauce” explained Dr. Carlo Castrato, resident spice researcher and professor emeritus of saucin’. “But this is the stupid, dumb, not-smart green sauce, rather than that other intelligent, well-read, clever green avocado sauce.”

The empty-headed salsa verde was last seen half-heartedly covered in pine nuts in a desperate last attempt to convince people it was pesto. As of press time, no one had fallen for it.

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