15 April 1912—The world was shocked this morning to hear of a horrific accident.  The RMS Titanic, the largest ship in the world and carrying over three thousand souls, has brutally struck into an innocent iceberg in the greatest peacetime disaster in recent memory.  From the start, the iceberg had no hopes for survival.  The gigantic ship forcefully careened into the block of ice, using its dense metal hull to crack the iceberg in two, sending mutilated pieces of ice floating off into the cruel depths of the Arctic.

The iceberg, previously thought by many to be unsinkable, suffered a complete structural failure.  That iceberg was one of a family of several peacefully making their way South from their home source waters.  The body heat of the flailing, drowning passengers undoubtably further raised the temperature of the water, contributing to the melting of this pearl of the ocean.

Rescue operations are currently underway led by the RMS Carpathia.  Sources close to the recovery mission have said that the Titanic showed no regard for its surroundings or for the rights of peaceable icebergs.  In addition to the iceberg itself, perhaps there could have been penguins on there.  They would have surely perished with their icy friend, probably.  The crew of the Carpathia were able to save an estimated 705 self-centered people who managed to board lifeboats as the ship sank, but sadly no remnants of the iceberg were found or recovered.

There has been a great public outcry over the incident, and calls for stricter standards of safety and communication in maritime law, so that tragedies of this magnitude never again occur in the free waters of the Atlantic.  Never again should such a senseless loss of frozen water occur.  Wherever you are now iceberg, this reporter wants you to know humanity’s hearts are with you.  May god rest your immortal soul.

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