After a neck and neck election, it seems that our great nation has finally elected our next leader. The new President of the United States, Theodore Roosevelt, bursting with manly pride and reeking of tobacco and pheromones, has deigned to sit down with us and reveal his innermost sexual secrets. He sits, mustache quivering, with a thin white stream of smoke wafting from his cigar and begins to bare his soul. Here are some notable moments from the interview:


I had asthma as a child, and my father tried to cure me by making me smoke cigarettes. It was then that my oral fixation began. And I want you to know that I didn’t grow out of my asthma, I just fucked it into oblivion. It couldn’t handle me.


My sexual policy is simple and easy: speak softly and carry a big stick. Because I like it like that. Mmmm. Some of my fondest sexual memories were with my boys before the Battle of San Juan Hill. I call them my Rough Riders for a reason.


I like to hunt because the thrill of the chase is arousing. My prey of choice is bears. I like ‘em hairy.


I’ve been frequently called a man’s man. People just don’t know how true that is. I’m also a woman’s man. I’m just a man who wants to be loved by every man, woman, and animal. And yes, you can touch my mustache. And anything else you want.

To see the full interview with our erotically intriguing new leader, check out this month’s issue of the Ladies’ Hodgepodge.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…