Though unknown to many, Leland Stanford Junior University is broke, its endowment falling by over 80% over the last few years. This dramatic decline comes from two reasons: the extravagant budget for the increasingly lavish sex-positive programming that the university has been putting on in recent years, and the resulting success of students having so much God-damn amazing sex with one another that they have just stopped paying their tuition bills altogether. In an attempt to save the ‘Beyond Sex Ed’ NSO program from extreme university-wide budget cuts, the administration has found a eleventh-hour buyer to sponsor the event: domestic merchandise retail chain Bed Bath & Beyond (with locations in the United States, Puerto Rico, Canada and Mexico).
“I don’t understand what everyone’s so peeved about,” says ‘Bed Bath & Beyond Sex Ed’ chair Kaitlin Kraemer in a YouTube interview with Cath-In(?)-College. “We accomplished our near-impossible goal of eradicating sexual violence and promoting safe sexual health across this campus. And sure, maybe we ‘bankrupted’ (air-quotes) the university in the process, but your penis, vagina or whatever pleasure organ you choose to stimulate during intercourse should be thanking us for the craziest money-sex it has ever experienced. Period.”
Stanford Students For The Eradication Of The Scourge Of Late-Twentieth-Century Market Capitalism have quite a different take on the subject. “It’s a disgrace to this beautiful privately-funded university,” says SSFTEOTSOLTCMC’s president Douglas Doubeck during his first of three ‘sex breaks’ during the day. “We appreciate everything ‘Beyond Sex Ed’ has done for our sexual liberation and the free linens are as great of a perk as you’d expect from this kind of sponsor, but jumping into bed with a boorish corporation like BB&B kills my sex-drive harder than the CIA killed Fidel Castro.”
The Stanford Flipside reached out to Bed Bath & Beyond for comment, but only received the comment that “Now, finally, people will understand what the ‘Beyond’ means. It means Beyond Sex Ed. Always has. Always will.”
This new merger leaves Stanford students speculating on further corporatization of Stanford’s campus as students continue to put sex ahead of education. More to come later – time for my sex break.