Senior Still Hasn’t Come to Terms with Fact That They’ll Never Vomit Cajun Fries into an Old Union Toilet Again

June 23, 2020 11:35 pm
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Sitting absentmindedly on the couch, watching their ninth consecutive episode of Netflix Original Series “Sex Apartment,” soon-to-be-graduate Mica Owens reportedly still had not come to terms with the fact that they never again will vomit cajun fries into an Old Union toilet at 3am.

Although they have not consciously considered the matter one way or another, sources indicate that Owens still subconsciously looks forward to the next time they’ll drink too much Blueberry Jalapeno Svedka at a crowded co-op party, stumble to TAP (barefoot somehow), eat a plate of $14 cajun fries off a laminated table with two equally-sloppy friends while The Fray’s “How to Save a Life” plays on loop, then abruptly run to the bathroom and vomit a noxious slurry of alcohol, potato, and blood into and onto the toilet.

“I wonder if the next episode of ‘Sex Apartment’ will involve them having sex in the apartment or not,” Owens muttered to themselves quietly, still blissfully unaware that they will never again see 67 out of their 84 freshman dorm co-residents, even at reunions, most of which they’ll be too busy to attend anyways. “Or maybe this time they’ll do a ‘All-Or-Nothing Sex Challenge’ to see who wins Immunity from the next ‘Apartment Vote-Out.’ Hmmmmm.”

With only a few days left until formally graduating (and a few more left after that before their diploma arrives in the mail), Owens is more or less done with college — but you wouldn’t know that from just looking at them. Instead, having only haphazardly attended Zoom classes during their final quarter of education and forgotten to reply to texts from multiple friends, Owens seems to have entirely overlooked that they will never again have the opportunity to show up to a class hung-over and shoot a friend a quick ‘lol threw up a bunch of cajun fries into the OU toilets last nite but in class rn’ text.

At press time, Owens had moved on to the next episode of “Sex Apartment,” and was eagerly awaiting the reveal of who would take home the “Horny Sex Prize.” Experts predict that it will not be until midway through next week’s online graduation ceremony that Owens realizes the inevitability of entropy and that all things eventually turn into dust.

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