“Honestly, I’m not really sure why we ever thought this was a good idea,” said Secretary of Defense, Chuck Hagel. “We really should have sobered up first. Afghanistan is a tricky situation that we really need to start taking much more seriously.”

Chuck has a great point, but this certainly isn’t the first time a sober war has been suggested. Throughout the Iraq War, top generals often complained of confusing and detrimental symptoms. It’s hard enough piloting drones as is, but it’s certainly no stroll in the park doing it on molly.

General Raymond T. Odierno, Chief of Staff of the US Army, is a recent opponent of War on Drugs, citing persuasive purple leopards and snakes as the reason why the War in Afghanistan has lasted so long. “They’re everywhere!” says Odierno. “You try killing terrorists when the devil HIMSELF is on their side!”

Enlisted men and women with a case of the munchies are another problem entirely; they have habitually gone AWOL, wandering from camp in search of food, often directly into enemy fire.

It’s safe to say Obama has gotten this one right. Time to put down the bong; we’re not in college anymore, America. Time to do it sober. Let’s kill people responsibly.

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