(Boston, MA) – After entering the aircraft that she and her team are responsible for cleaning, American Airlines cabin-cleaning crew member Linda Summers had a thing or two to say about the patrons of Flight AA201, she’ll tell you that. “We’ve got one hell of a doozy coming up,” she reported to her coworkers, making a quick, professional assessment of the cabin.

Referencing trash reportedly scattered “all over the fucking place,” and a smell that could “bring down a water buffalo,” Summers expressed a genuine hope that the passengers on the next flight –AA357 to Baltimore – didn’t have anywhere they needed to be soon, because if Christ himself were cleaning this cabin, they wouldn’t get out of here until next week. She additionally wondered aloud how anyone even manages to put a tray up with a full banana still on it. Jesus.

Reports suggest that summers has had 37 years of cabin cleaning experience, and that it takes a hell of a lot these days to rattle her. Speculating that “Noah on the fucking ark had an easier cleanup job than this,” sources indicate that Summers took a lemon-scented anti bacterial wipe and began to earnestly chip away at gummy bear residue stuck to seat 25C. Allegedly, Summers will get down on her hands and knees tonight and genuinely pray that every single one of the fuckers on this flight never has children. She can feel her acid reflux flaring up just looking at this fucking pigsty. Inside information seems to assert that passengers couldn’t have done a better job at trashing the plane if they, during the 6 and a half hour flight from LA, had actively tried.

At time of press, Summers reported that these people are animals. Simply animals.

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