YONKERS, NY – Local police reports out of New York today show some much-needed progress for the currently maligned New York State Police Department as an area jogger was given a much-needed bottle of water and a warm blanket after suffering from a shortage of breath. Mary Lou Smith, 39, an active member of the Yonkers community who is often seen driving her children Chester and Bradyn to soccer and flute practice, respectively, pulled up after 500 meters of her regular morning jog, exclaiming frantically, “Help me, I can’t breathe.” Local policeman David Johansen was on the scene immediately and heroically performed his basic training, aiding the struggling suburban housewife, putting a calming arm around her and ensuring that her airways were free, before handing her a mug of hot cocoa and helping her back to her bungalow overlooking historic Getty Square.
Johansen, who has been a policeman for five years, demurred the scope of his accomplishments, saying, “It’s basic human decency. If someone says they can’t breathe, then we are honor-bound as policemen to help them. It is our calling. In fact, the reason I became a policemen was to help those who are in need of our assistance in society, from the hedge fund manager whose car breaks down on the side of the highway to the teen girl who has had a little bit too much to drink.”
While the NYPD has come under heavy criticism over the past few weeks for their handling of Eric Garner and the case’s subsequent aftermath, departmental leadership insists that they are adequately policing the area. “We have followed all possible protocols,” said Chief Martin Watts, “and if even one jogger can be saved, then I will consider our department to have performed a job well done.”
Mrs. Smith was also complimentary of the police force, stating, “Frankly, Officer Johansen was a lovely nice young man, the type of man I’d be happy to see my daughter Lindsay bring home. We’re hearing all this commotion, but I’ve never had an altercation with the police that ended poorly. At the end of the day, I’m just relieved to say I can finally jog in peace.”