STANFORD, CA — As alumni weekend comes to a close, we look back at all the incredible events that occurred over the last few days: the inauguration of a new University President, the big [outcome] of the football game against University of Colorado, and multiple thousands of alumni wandering around campus to fuck, spawn, and perish.

Every year, as if the alumni are following some sort of calendar, graduates of Stanford University find their way back to campus. Some alumni choose to walk, others swim, and others are so intellectually developed that they have the foresight to book a ticket on a “Greyhound bus.” “We have no way of knowing how intelligent these beings are,” commented Martin Greylock, a biologist who has dedicated his life to studying this annual homecoming. “Each year, they find their way back to campus, cumming and dying in ditches all over the place.” As of now, the death toll sits at 378 old alumni, and the birth toll is at 1,253 new alumni.

As the alumni bodies pile up and the new alumni hatch in their place, the yearly event comes to a quiet close. The magic of the homecoming never ceases to astound those unfamiliar with the event, a truly beautiful reminder that humans and salmon are not so different.

As of press time, a graduate from the class of 1987 was being dragged out of a cocktail party by a hungry grizzly.

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