Following on from his proclamation last week on Fox News that what America needed was a “25,000 strong worldwide army of mercenaries,” in order to fight ISIS’s growing threat in Syria, noted windbag Bill O’Reilly moved on to the next stage of his plan: recruitment. With that in mind, O’Reilly attended Stanford’s Career Fair last week in order to weed out potential candidates. O’Reilly noted that, “In order to combat terrorism, you must recruit the best. That’s why I go to universities, where people will do anything for money to pay off their student debts. Seriously, I offered one freshman a half-eaten sandwich and he offered to shiv Rachel Maddow.”

While O’Reilly’s table seemed attractive at first, many freshmen were unenthused by the bounty on offer. “Quite frankly, I thought his selection of free swag was mediocre at best,” said Donner resident Andrew Lagande, “I mean all he had were T-shirts saying ‘I went to Stanford and all I got was this lousy unmanned drone’. Then, once he ran out of those, he just started handing out 9mm pistols, which is absurd since that gun has low stopping-power. I’ve played many Calls of Duty, I’ll have you know.” Although many freshmen shared Lagande’s sentiments, others also noted that what was more worrying than the lack of acceptable swag was the fact that O’Reilly’s plan did not seem to line up with their best interests. Prospective CS major Erwin Meyer stated, “Look, if he wants to recruit me, he can just call when he develops a start-up that crowdsources the funding for a mercenary army. Then I’ll help.”

While his booth may not have been entirely successful, O’Reilly remained undeterred. Recent reports indicate O’Reilly was last seen wandering through the GSB, encouraging students to trade in their MBAs and PHDs for UAVs and missile defense systems.


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