When Sophomore Tyrese Jenkins learned that his high school pals were getting together for a winter-break reunion, he knew that an understated reminder of his attendance at Stanford was in order. Unfortunately, his wearing of the classic red t-shirt with the white type ultimately fell drastically short of “subliminal.”

Indeed, sources close to the issue report that Jenkins seriously wasn’t impressing anyone, and that insistence that he “just grabbed [the shirt] out of his suitcase” was clearly bullshit. “It’s not even like he goes to an Ivy or something,” said a former prom date who drove past him this week. “Everyone here knows you, dude. We get it; you go to Stanford. Congrats.”

Jenkins maintains that he had no such boasting in mind in the selection of his apparel, and that he simply attends a mid-size liberal arts school in the Bay Area that you might or might not have heard of. He’s really just happy and blessed to be there. This extends, he swears, to the “GO TREE” lapel pin on his chest, his enthusiasm for SnapChat and Instagram, and his new ringtone, “All Right Now”. “Only an idiot would think I’m doing this to make a point,” he said on Tuesday, “You know, like a Cal student. Cal jokes, am I right?”

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