Over another biweekly round of pitchers at The Treehouse, senior Tyler Henley expressed frustration towards Stanford for leaving him feeling unfulfilled as his undergraduate career comes to a close despite the fact that he accomplished all of his personal and academic goals this year.

“I really did senior year right, you know,” Henley told the Flipside. “I saved my Tier 1 for Casa, I didn’t schedule any morning classes, I avoided Admit Weekend by going to Vegas, and I spent all my Friday afternoons recovering from Senior Night just chilling outside with my drawmates. So if I did it right, why do I still feel like I missed something?”

Henley, who has not attended class since his midterm exam, boasted that he usually doesn’t need to get up until 4 in the afternoon, and even then he still doesn’t have to leave his room for any particular extracurricular commitments.

“I can’t see why anyone would want to do a senior thesis. Everyone complains about it all the time,” he added. “What could you possibly get out of producing your own original body of work and beginning your foray into the academic world?”

He also expressed sympathy for those who “had to deal with freshmen this year” by choosing to lead SPOT or staff a freshman dorm. “That sounds like it sucks. I definitely did the smart thing this year by not reaching out to the next generation of Stanford students,” insisted Henley. “But somehow, I still feel empty. As if there’s a hole inside me that can’t be filled with beer and pretzels.”

Henley chose not to attend class, meetings, or rehearsal, abandoning all things leading up to his final quarter at Stanford because “you only get to senior spring once.”

Despite his success in avoiding any work beyond what was strictly necessary this year, Henley is “not ready to graduate–I feel like Stanford didn’t actually teach me anything.” He blames his boredom on the mundaneness of Palo Alto and plans to spice up his life by living in the city next year.

You May Also Like

OpEd: As A Serial Killer Who Only Kills Women, I’d Like To Thank Women

As National Women’s Day came and went last week, I realized my…

Friend That Parents Remember Isn’t Actually Close Friend

“How’s Chloe?” Janice McDermott asked her daughter, Amika McDermott (’16), over the…

Freshman Forming Deep Friendship With RA Who Is Contractually Obligated To Do So

Lucie Stern Residence Hall – Gleefully exclaiming that he can see the…

Vaden Health Center To Start Testicular Cancer Checkups With Happy Endings