Following on the heels of the recent incidents at Slavianskii Dom, reports indicate that R&DE, faced with an issue that is actually concerning, has no earthly idea what to do. Assistant director Carl Evans noted while visibly sweating, “I mean, usually we just scour the brochure to find out what to do, but most of the situations in that pamphlet involve either doing nothing, or making vague threats of action. There is nothing in there about actual measures we could take. NOTHING.”

More worryingly, R&DE has been forced to press their panic button, a giant yellow button that hangs over Director Susan Daley’s desk marked with, ‘IN CASE OF ANY EVENT.’ What this does is collect together all of R&DE’s employees, who then perform an idea brainstorm, although it may be more accurate to call it an idea braintrickle, in order to properly synergize a flow of ideas. Said junior communications officer Daniel Missal, “I think this creation of a synergistic pathway between the blue-sky thinking of the upper division levels and the hard work that is exemplified by our community of employee brethren will mark a centrist change to the way we react,” before coughing nervously and scurrying away.

However, recent reports indicate this panic seems not to have been successful. Employees at R&DE were last seen running in crazed circles around their headquarters, praying to the Sun God for his blessing and yelling, “Help us, O Mighty One, for we know not what we do. This wasn’t in the brochures we handed out.” Director Daley was last seen barricaded in her office, muttering to herself that, “It’s not in the training videos either. We are all lost.”

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