At long last, all has been revealed. Thanks to an anonymous tip from a member of the White House staff, President Donald Trump’s closest friend and advisor — who has evaded the public eye almost as well as Trump has evaded impeachment — has finally been revealed to be a racist Magic 8 Ball nicknamed “Dunsworth.”

The leaker, who asked to remain anonymous, said they realized who the advisor was after observing Trump watch Fox News coverage of the Border Patrol launching tear gas at immigrants. The president “darted his eyes around before slipping something out of his sleeve,” the witness recalled. Then, when asked by Vice President Mike Pence what he thought of the matter, Trump “shook his sleeve vigorously like he had a bee in his shirt” before responding with a confident “outlook good.”

Since news of the secret “aide” broke, the whole backstory has emerged. According to 2016 White House financial disclosures, the first thing Trump did upon his election was use taxpayer money to buy an ethno-fascist Magic 8 Ball from Amazon. Ever since, he has been using its ambiguous (but clearly racially-motivated) answers to respond to crises and reporters he doesn’t like. Affirmatives like ‘it is decidedly so’ and ‘this is OUR country’ he saves for Republicans and members of his cabinet, while negatives like ‘very doubtful’ and ‘what about black-on-black crime, you cuck’ he saves for Democrats and members of his family.

In a press conference made from the Rose Garden, Trump cradled Dunsworth in his hands like it was a newborn child and defended his love of the cheap, xenophobic lump of plastic.

“Everybody speaks in such long sentences these days, and uses big words like ‘collusion’ and ‘impeachment.’ Do I look like I know what those words mean?” Trump said. “But Dunsworth here, in his infinite wisdom, simply floats me short answers that I can use whenever I don’t want to think— and that’s a lot!”

Periodically during the conference, Trump would smile and stroke the top of the Magic 8 Ball as if it were a puppy, apparently oblivious to the longing in Ivanka and Eric Trump’s eyes as they watched from nearby.

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