Early reports are confirming that today, at approximately 12:17PM, your grandmother called you from her home phone to ask about her “dang” iPhone.

“Okay. Wait… slow down. Okay. So there is a home button. Alright, is that the one on the top?” asked your grandmother, who has definitely had this explained to her 5-6 times before. “Your mother told me you’re like an expert in these things!” she added, which prompted you to stop typing, close your eyes, and sigh heavily.

After spending the better part of an hour describing how to unlock the phone and how the screen is where the buttons are, your grandmother confirmed that your essay – that essay that counts for 30% of your grade in that stupid class you need to graduate – will not be written today when she asked the timeless, “What exactly is an app?”

Thoroughly confused by the idea that someone can check movie times without calling Moviefone, “grammie,” as you sometimes call her, began to rummage through her desk drawers in an attempt to find the notebook where she has all her passwords written down. “Try your mother’s name and then 1937,” she said before she had you make her a new account entirely.

At press time, your grandmother was returning a movie to Redbox.

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