Following a myriad of recent studies into the linguistic tendencies of Stanford’s rapidly diversifying student body, results show that the Class of 2016 suffers from what could be tentatively termed a a paucity of relevant vocabulary.

Oriel Martin, Chair of the Department of Linguistics, remarked, “Many freshmen seem incapable of communicating on a basic conversational level outside of class, insisting on using the most ridiculous vocabulary in an effort to sound intelligent.”

Upon being contacted for comment by reputable Flipside reporters, ASSU senate candidate Amy DeBusschere affirmed, “I am aware of the issues at hand and am willing to do my utmost in an effort to transform the ways in which we look at them, both on a holistic and reductionist level.”

Although many suggested this study is representative of a larger intellectual malaise in the current freshman class, their conclusion is disputed by the verve with which many freshmen have pursued Stanford’s extracurricular pursuits. For example, Cardenal resident Andy Plant has founded his own tech startup, which he states will “revolutionize our target demographic through a combination of generational synergy and the utilization of our own expertise in various disciplines,” while another prospective senator, Michael Anderson, seeks to “embody the spirit of enterprise and vigor we see encapsulated by Stanford’s student body.”

When reached for further comment, a visibly outraged Dr. Martin stated, “You’re kidding right? Do you really not see how ridiculous these statements are? It makes you yearn for the days of teaching English to prisoners in San Quentin.”

It would be remiss of your reporter not to draw his own conclusions from these worrying statistics, although we should be wary of coming to a definite viewpoint in either sense. One hopes that the principled endeavor of reportage will not fall victim to the recent spate of “buzzwording.”


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