Seeking to maintain their decisive chokehold on the nation’s food-distribution outlets, Girl Scouts of America announced Monday that it would be continuing its disciplined blockade of grocery stores and strip malls across the country.  The scouts hope that by controlling the flow of products in and out of food retailers, they can exert economic control over a weakened nation brought to its knees by a lack of easily-accessible staple goods.

GSOA’s offensive maneuver against major supermarkets has successfully cut off the main food source for 95% of urban and suburban citizens, and the scouts have also begun to move in on other areas.  They recently announced a strategic alliance with legions of local white-collar fathers who can not only infiltrate office buildings and places of business, but are experts in passive aggressive torture techniques aimed at guilting fellow employees into ordering a few boxes of Trefoils.

Said one suburban Milwaukee resident who has been confined to his home for two weeks, “It feels like we live in a military state at this point. They wander the streets going door-to-door to check in on you…they wear sashes adorned with badges of past heroism…they pace through our neighborhoods flashing their boxes of Thin Mints and Tagalongs remind us who is holding the cards.”

The Girl Scouts have attempting to ally themselves with the Boy Scouts to corner the youth market, but negotiations reportedly stalled when reports of cooties disrupted the summit meeting.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…