The Russian government has released a statement today, explaining that they are behind every single thing that you wanted to happen, and also behind all of the things you don’t want to happen too. From supporting our current far-right government, to backing the dissident actions of civil rights and labor activists, Russia is there secretly pulling the strings, no matter what it is that you’re trying to do.
“At end of day, we are just being supportive,” said Russian ambassador Sergey Kislyak. “You say you want to do thing—that’s good, we also want you to do this thing. You decide not to do it—that is also good, we accept your decision and are willing to move forward against your wishes.”
These new developments have been extremely troubling for the Democratic party leadership: “For almost a century, we’ve been guiding our policy based on what Russia didn’t want us to do,” said DNC Chair Perez. “Now it turns out that whatever we do, they are supporting it! They are simultaneously pushing every agenda. We have literally no way of moving forward. We’re going to ask that you all remain calm and not do anything, at least until we figure out what Putin wants least.”
As of press time, John McCain was seen yelling “Where are you hiding you communist spies!” at a couch, although it is unclear whether or not this is actually related to developments vis-a-vis Russia.
