The world was shocked last week when it was announced that Disney purchased George Lucas’s eternal soul for $4.05 billion, picking up Lucasfilm as an added bonus. Even more shocking though, is how Lucas plans to spend that Jabba-sized mound of cash.
“I’d like to announce my candidacy,” Lucas said, addressing a crowd of disgruntled comic book convention attendees in Winnipeg this weekend, “For Supreme Chancel…I mean President, of the United States of Alderaan. Sorry, the United Alliance of Alderaan.”
Lucas made this bombshell announcement flanked by a pair of Stormtroopers while sporting his new, pimp-ass, solid gold turtleneck. The Galactic-Republican candidate went on to detail his comprehensive platform, including his support for human-Twi’lek marriage and for increased funding to NASA for the purposes of constructing a “fully armed and operational battlestation.”
The crowd began to grow restless, unsure of whether they should be excited that Lucas was leaving movies, or disappointed that he was entering politics.
“I’m not here for this,” said Mark Ford, an especially sweaty member of the assembled crowd. “I just wanted to see if he’d cringe when I asked him to sign this headshot of William Shatner.”
Despite the adverse reaction of the conventioneers, polls show Lucas ahead with Latinos, partly due to a misinterpretation of his support of “criminal aliens.” Still, Lucas’s surge in popularity may be compromised by the gaffes of his running mate, Senator Jar-Jar Binks, who has polled especially poorly with minority voters. Lucas was reported as saying that if the campaign falls through, he’ll be running for the 1996 presidency in four years, the 2000 presidency in eight, and then he’ll re-release a heavily-edited version of his 2012 campaign for 2024.