Following Senator Elizabeth Warren’s announcement of a loan forgiveness plan to address America’s student debt crisis, President Trump has announced his own counter-plan: “College Loan Unforgiveness.” Trump’s announcement came via Twitter, as all good announcements do, and linked to an online “Make-‘Em-Cry Misery Calculator” to help voters predict how the policy would impact their debt.

Students everywhere report feeling split between the two plans.

“Currently, I owe $54,000 in student loans,” said recent grad Kirk Bentley ’18. “But when I used Trump’s calculator, it predicted I would owe $213,456.06. As a pragmatist, I guess that seems the most realistic.”

But others find Trump’s proposal too unforgiving. Remarked Trina Gerry ’19, “I’m studying here on full ride, so it seems a little weird that the calculator said I’ll need to personally Venmo the Department of Education $109,000 with the caption ‘date night teehee 🙈.’”

Trump claims the plan will rake in roughly $860 million a year, and insisted that only most of that money would go toward buying his son Barron a complete set of limited-edition Paw Patrol Silly Bandz.

“MEAN #msm doesn’t want to see BARRON (son) happy!!,” Trump posted on Twitter hours after his initial announcement. Naturally, the comments quickly flooded with supporters, with comments including “Get Barron The Bandz” And “C’mon, people, unleash the little boy inside you. MAGA!”

Under criticism from those who found the “Make-‘Em-Cry” calculator a little startling, however, Trump has since clarified that increases to some debts are only meant to offset decreases to others.

“When I drive Barron to school in a brand-new 2019 Tesla Model X w/ black leather interior and chrome rims,” he explained, “I promise to use all the $$ I save on gas to WAIVE application fees to Trump University. These little efforts add up, America!”

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…