Following the announcement that the Sexual Health and Peer Resource Center (SHRPC) would be giving out 30 condoms per quarter as opposed to the previously established number of 12, sexless freshman Richard Softkins expressed his relief that he would have so many more condoms not to use.

“I understand this may benefit those that are ‘getting it in on a regular basis,’ as they say, but frankly I’m just happy that I’ll be able to store so many more condoms that I’ll most likely never use in my sock drawer,” commented Softkins, “Previously I had just been hoarding my PHE’s stash, but now I’ll have plenty not to ever use. It’s just peace of mind, you know?”

Softkins then excused himself to make sure none of his condoms had yet expired. As of press time, they were all still good.

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