Compiling years of zoological research, PETA reports, and common sense, experts have officially concluded that life as a cow must be pretty terrible.

“As a cow, you spend your entire day standing and eating grass in one of the most boring locations in America, and then you spend all night hoping to avoid being tipped over by mischievous teenagers who have nothing better to do because they also live in such a boring place,” explained a researcher who preferred to remain anonymous due to the controversial nature of these findings.

The researcher added, “While human wives have to put up with their husband’s crap, cows have to deal with some real bull shit.”

Modest job prospects are one motivating factor for low satisfaction ratings in some herds. Many cows will spend their entire life being fondled for their milk, and then their ultimate endgame is no better than being included in a Happy Meal. In addition, cows will almost never hear a compliment like “good job” or “great work” throughout their life but, if they are lucky, the final remark about them will be “Well Done.”

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