Following the government shutdown this past week, President and Rich Man Donald J. Trump reportedly took his newfound free time to sit back, relax, and enjoy a riveting game of Monopoly: Horse Lovers Edition ®. Galloping around the corner on Go to collect 200 “salt licks,” Trump cheered gleefully as he rolled doubles, went again, and landed on the coveted “Andalusian” spot, completing his first equine monopoly. From the balcony of the oval office he could be seen giggling mischievously as he made smart horsey business deals, avoided costly stable fees, and munched on apple-adorned community chest cards.
Sources inside the White House say that the big guy hasn’t been able to dedicate as much time to his favorite game as usual with all of the “extra distractions” going on over the past year, so he wasn’t too upset about there being no government for a few days if it meant he could get back to his roots as a horse-themed deal maker.
“Believe me, I love being president of this great country more than any other president has ever in history, but when worse comes to worst, the government taking a vacation doesn’t affect me or the American people whatsoever,” Trump explained. “Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to the game. I’m trying to land on ‘Clydesdale.’”
When a White House Press Corps reporter asked if his game strategy informed American domestic or foreign policy, the president became confused and called in an advisor to rephrase the question using horse terminology. The same advisor has in the past been seen assisting Trump at congressional meetings, oval office receptions, and international trade summits.
When pressed for comment, Speaker of the House Paul Ryan giggled and said that Trump “definitely needs to stop horsing around,” while surreptitiously pushing a stallion-shaped player token under a nearby stack of policy briefs.
Leakers within the administration have thus far been unable to confirm whether or not Trump is good at any other version of Monopoly, such as “Monopoly: En Français,” “Monopoly 2: World Tour,” or “Monopoly: Arbor Day Spectacular.”