Students Massacre Hundreds of Pieces of Chalk

October 19, 2011 6:00 am
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Students Massacre Hundreds of Pieces of Chalk

WHITE PLAZA – Tragedy struck on Monday as a bunch of chalk was massacred by students protesting Columbus Day. What were once young, hopeful cylinders of condensed powder met their demise smeared across the concrete in the name of a dead old white guy.

“It’s just so sad,” sobbed the president of Crayola, who manufactured the chalk, nurturing it through the hands of Chinese toddlers and tucking it in safely for the journey from the factory to a bottom shelf in CVS, “That chalk had so much to look forward to. It was going to travel the world, maybe make a difference by being used on blackboards in African babies’ schoolhouses…it had dreams. Big dreams. And those dreams were killed along with it that night.”

Indeed they were. Yet sources close to the group of students who, as of press time, are among the police’s top suspects, say that perhaps the chalkocide had some outside help. Dr. Gail Normann, a Stanford meteorologist and one of the world’s leading experts in environmental murder, decided to weigh in. Surveying the damage, careful not to step on any evidence, he sniffed the remains. “There must have been a flood, or at least an outside source of rain, that had a hand in this. Otherwise, there is no way that a couple of students could do this much damage.”