Stanford, CA — Stanford Police are reevaluating their squad-car assignments and setting up night-time patrols after a pair of crimes committed in Escondido Village and Rains last week shocked the community.

“To have two bicyclists go through this intersection without stopping in one week — it’s just unthinkable,” said frightened Escondido Village 8th-year PhD student Hung Wang. The incidents each occurred at the intersection of Campus and Escondido, in what was once a quiet, family district. “Once they let undergrads into Rains for overflow housing, we just knew, ‘there goes the neighborhood,'” said Wang.

In response to the incidents, Stanford police will be setting up 24-hour stop-sign patrols in the area, and erecting high-speed flash cameras at several campus intersections. Sheriff Jim Davis assured the community in an e-mail to the [ugres_rcfs] list: “We will no longer be having our squad cars monitor the perimeters of campus for suspicious activity at night. It just doesn’t make sense when you’ve got bicyclists running stop signs left and right. And without bike lights at that!” His e-mail sparked an outcry, with nearly 200 concerned undergrads voicing their concerns in response.

While the original APB described the suspect as “a dark skinned male, possibly Black approximately 30 years old and 5’4” tall,” this description was changed once Muggsy Bogues’ alibi held up.

Police have issued the following information about one of the bicycle assailants, and are asking for the community’s help: “The suspect had a dark olive skin color — or possibly burnt sienna, but definitely not ecru. He was male, college-age, wore no helmet, and was wearing a Stanford sweatshirt and jeans. Victims in the crosswalk say an odor of Stern dining was in the air when he passed by.” Witnesses are urged to call the Bicycle Abatement tipline at (650) 444-4686.

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