A new hostage tape released by Al Qaeda has drawn universal condemnation from leaders worldwide.

In the video, armed Al Qaeda members repeatedly inflict suffering upon an unidentified American soldier.

The video begins with one Al Qaeda member licking his finger and then giving the soldier a wet willy, causing the soldier to shudder and shout, “you’ll never break me!”

“Today, the abominable finger of cruelty hath descended upon the ear of freedom,” said House Speaker John Boehner. “Al Qaeda shall rue the day when the Q-tips of liberty arrive!”

Another Al Qaeda member proceeded to give the soldier a noogie, grinding his knuckles painfully against the soldier’s scalp.

The hostage tape ended with a reiteration of Al Qaeda’s demands.

“We demand the complete withdrawal of your tyrant troops from Muslim lands,” said an off-camera Al Qaeda member. “If you do not comply with our demands, we will give this soldier an Indian sunburn and possibly a purple nurple.”

Multiple congressmen have called for retaliatory measures in response to the new hostage tape.

“These atrocities will not go unanswered,” said Senator Scott Brown. “We will hunt these bastards down and give each and every one of them atomic wedgies and swirlies.”

“We will, of course, need to ship and install indoor plumbing to their caves before giving them swirlies,” he added.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…