By Stanley Waters

This year, the citizens of the United States will receive a special Christmas gift from the government. In light of recent economic difficulties and a general feeling of gloom across the country, Congress is expected to revise the Constitution for the first time in several decades. The new amendment will replace the “Privileges and Immunities” clause of the 14th Amendment with the “Santa Clause.”

This new version of the 14th Amendment will require the government to provide every American with a Christmas gift. “It’s really a matter of national pride,” remarked Democratic Majority Leader Harry Reid. “Americans are having a hard time discovering their holiday spirit this year. What better way to fix this than with a revision to one of the most important Constitutional amendments? It’s high time the government stepped up and recognized the obligation it has to help its people enjoy the holiday season, and the best way for the government to do this is through the Santa Clause.”

While some believe the new amendment will violate the separation of church and state, the ACLU has issued statements approving of the constitutional revision. In a recent press conference, Susan N. Herman, the president of the ACLU, announced, “There is no reason why this amendment would violate the separation of church and state. It is indisputable that, on Christmas, Kris Kringle distributed gifts to countless children. Is it so wrong for our government to honor someone by enshrining his name in the Constitution forever? By requiring the government to provide its citizens with presents, it will forever capture a key aspect of American culture—the holiday spirit.”

Other outspoken supporters argue the inclusion of Santa Clause into the Constitution will make it easier for children to relate to the Constitution. According to a recent Gallup Poll, 88% of American children have heard of the Santa Clause, while only 0.02% of children have heard of the Privileges and Immunities Clause. This statistic has even more weight given that the Privileges and Immunities Clause has been around for over 100 years, while the Santa Clause was proposed just a few days ago.

The amendment currently has bipartisan support in both the House and the Senate. It will be voted on next week and, if passed, will come into full effect this year, ensuring a present for every American on Christmas Day.

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