Post Tagged with: "obama"

Op Ed: I Looked Pretty Cool Leaving My Midterm Early

November 28, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Op Ed: I Looked Pretty Cool Leaving My Midterm Early
Op Ed: I Looked Pretty Cool Leaving My Midterm Early

So I had my Chem midterm this week, and I thought it was actually really easy. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, especially because I barely studied. I had, like, 3 papers due this week and another midterm coming up, so I honestly didn’t even care about […]

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Obama Savors Silent Fist-Pump After Nailing Long-Range Paper-to-Wastebasket Shot

May 16, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Obama Savors Silent Fist-Pump After Nailing Long-Range Paper-to-Wastebasket Shot
Obama Savors Silent Fist-Pump After Nailing Long-Range Paper-to-Wastebasket Shot

Whispering “Kobe” as the crumpled defense deployment report floated effortlessly into his trashcan, President Obama silently savored a hushed air-punch Sunday after daring a long-range basketball-style shot from his desk to his wastebasket. “I’ve been trying to sink one like that since the debt ceiling crisis,” Obama said, leaning back […]

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Marco Rubio: “Let’s Dispel the Rumor That I Know What I’m Doing… Let’s Be Clear: I Have No IDEA What I’m Doing”

February 7, 2016 11:59 amComments Off on Marco Rubio: “Let’s Dispel the Rumor That I Know What I’m Doing… Let’s Be Clear: I Have No IDEA What I’m Doing”
Marco Rubio: “Let’s Dispel the Rumor That I Know What I’m Doing… Let’s Be Clear: I Have No IDEA What I’m Doing”
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Obama “Thinking of Coterming”

January 19, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Obama “Thinking of Coterming”
Obama “Thinking of Coterming”

WASHINGTON- Asked about his post-Presidential ambitions on Sunday, President Obama indicated that he, “[isn’t] sure yet, but [he] may start looking into a coterm in MS&E or something.” Obama affirmed that the coterm’s flexibility, utility, and affordability made it an attractive offer, rivaling his alternative option of speaking gigs at […]

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Op-Ed: They Can Take Our Guns, But They’ll Never Take Our Other Guns

January 11, 2016 12:00 pmComments Off on Op-Ed: They Can Take Our Guns, But They’ll Never Take Our Other Guns
Op-Ed: They Can Take Our Guns, But They’ll Never Take Our Other Guns

We knew this was going to happen. They are going to take away our guns. We’ve talked about it for years, and now the time has come. But it’s ok. Because we have other guns. And those guns are much, much bigger. Of course, they say that all “President” Obama’s […]

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Obama and Castro Pretend Not to Notice Each Other in Bathroom at Summit

April 13, 2015 12:00 pmComments Off on Obama and Castro Pretend Not to Notice Each Other in Bathroom at Summit
Obama and Castro Pretend Not to Notice Each Other in Bathroom at Summit

PANAMA—This weekend, President Obama attended a summit of leaders from all over the Americas, and, for the first time in decades, Cuban president Raul Castro was also present.  Despite both sides’ professed desire to end the Cold War-era policies that have plagued US-Cuba relations over the past 50 years, the […]

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Unlikely Duo Obama and Abigail have Rollicking Valentine’s Romance on The Farm

February 17, 2015 12:01 pmComments Off on Unlikely Duo Obama and Abigail have Rollicking Valentine’s Romance on The Farm
Unlikely Duo Obama and Abigail have Rollicking Valentine’s Romance on The Farm

When Sophomore Abigail Schmidt woke up last Saturday, she was planning on spending Valentine’s Day alone in her Crothers room making tea cosies. She had to put down her knitting needles, however, when President Barack Obama burst into her room (and her love life) panting, and asked to hide from […]

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Obama: No More Boots on the Ground

September 25, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Obama: No More Boots on the Ground
Obama: No More Boots on the Ground

In keeping with President Obama’s promise of “no more boots on the ground” in the Middle East, White House Spokesperson Josh Earnest unveiled Washington’s latest strategy to deal with the current military crisis. “With more than a decade of involvement in the region, we have now acquired enough intelligence to […]

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Obama Hires Hype Man For State of the Union Address

February 5, 2014 9:00 amComments Off on Obama Hires Hype Man For State of the Union Address
Obama Hires Hype Man For State of the Union Address

  Angered by what he perceived to be a general sense of boredom and malaise regarding his State of The Union address, President Obama reached out last week to youth voters by using hype man DJ Carl Weathers to drum up support and excitement for what political pundits have termed, […]

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Obama Wakes Up To Find It Was All A Bad Dream

November 1, 2013 9:00 amComments Off on Obama Wakes Up To Find It Was All A Bad Dream
Obama Wakes Up To Find It Was All A Bad Dream

Early this morning, on January 20, 2009, inauguration day, President-elect Barack Obama awoke in a cold sweat. Rolling over at the sound of his whimpering, his wife, Michelle, ran a hand through Barack’s hair. “What’s wrong, my little ruler of the free world?” she said, “Did you have another one […]

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