In keeping with President Obama’s promise of “no more boots on the ground” in the Middle East, White House Spokesperson Josh Earnest unveiled Washington’s latest strategy to deal with the current military crisis.

“With more than a decade of involvement in the region, we have now acquired enough intelligence to avoid making rash decisions in the deployment of our troops. Effective immediately, all soldiers will now be outfitted with combat flip-flops,” Earnest reported in a briefing on Friday.

Earnest went on to say that the latest updates from the Middle East identify the terrain as “containing sand, which is something American combatants should feel comfortable moving around in.” He stressed that the new footwear will allow them to “feel the sand between their toes and increase relaxation,” while the open design “prevents sand from becoming trapped and causing foot discomfort.”

When approached for comment, Chairman of the Joint Chiefs Martin Dempsey was unavailable, but his aides provided a statement expressing a desire for further military operatives to be regarded as much warmer and open: “When our troops arrive, they’ll be seen as much more ‘chill’ and ‘with-it’, [and it is our strong desire to present a unilaterally friendly and united front towards civilians and our allies] bro.”

At press time, footwear companies across the nation are responding to the call by churning out thousands upon thousands of combat-ready flip-flops to be used in the upcoming campaigns. There are also rumors of development of combat “Chubbies” shorts for the men in arms.

 

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…