When Sophomore Abigail Schmidt woke up last Saturday, she was planning on spending Valentine’s Day alone in her Crothers room making tea cosies. She had to put down her knitting needles, however, when President Barack Obama burst into her room (and her love life) panting, and asked to hide from the Secret Service in her dresser. Schmidt, always a cool customer, obliged the President, and so began the brief but sublime romance.

Schmidt, a self-described “total dweeb” who still couldn’t see how beautiful she really was under a sardonic outer layer, spoke to the Flipside about her Valentine’s Day with the Commander in Chief. “When the coast was clear, neither of us wanted to leave.“ Schmidt also clarified the nature of the romance, saying that, “it was never physical with me and Barry. It was a union of two minds, and yet there was more passion than any two bed-lovers could ever experience.”

Obama and Schmidt reportedly filled Saturday with a lifetime’s worth of love. The two were allegedly on Wilbur field when Obama turned to Schmidt and said, “To heck with Cybersecurity, to heck with the Secret Service! I love you.” Bystanders reported spotting the President with the young college student aboard a tandem bicycle, giddily weaving through the herds of tourists and students without a care in world.

You, dear reader, might be asking how such a chaste and charmed love came to an end.  Schmidt told us the sad story: “It was Sunday, and me and Care-Barry were out on the Oval. He said ‘Last one to Mem-Chu is a rotten egg’ and just took off like a deer! I started running after him but a Secret Service officer was waiting and clotheslined me, breaking four of my teeth. So that was the end of that.”

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