Angered by what he perceived to be a general sense of boredom and malaise regarding his State of The Union address, President Obama reached out last week to youth voters by using hype man DJ Carl Weathers to drum up support and excitement for what political pundits have termed, “two hours more boring than a baseball game.” Weathers, whose real name is Michael Rabinowitz, is a very successful hype man, having worked many events including New York’s own care home tribute rap band, the Beastie Men, and three separate quinceañeras.
At first the hype appeared to be catching on, as Weathers bounded onto the stage yelling, “Get crazy! Get Loud! POTUS in the house! POTUS in the house! Get up on your goddamn feet, Congress, and let’s get freaky up in here.” However, reports indicate that Republican delegates soon soured on the hype man, with Senate Minority Leader Eric Cantor explaining, “We are Americans, the greatest country in the world, and as such do not need something so base as a hype man to help us out.” Upon being asked for comment, Weathers responded, “Yo, check it, E-Bear, if you’re not down with this, you’re not down with POTUS. And if you ain’t down with POTUS, your ass is gonna be floating in the presidential moatus.”
Reports indicate that this trend will continue in all areas of government, with future Secretary of the Treasury Jacob Lew using a magician to explain the state of the economy and Joe Biden keeping a clown on retainer for special occasions.