New A Capella Group Just Absolute Dogshit

October 12, 2016 9:00 am
Group of friends karaoke singing at the bar

Comparing their sound to that of “a great ape bellowing in pain,” junior Austin Matthews informed reporters yesterday that Stanford’s newest a capella group—the Winds that Blow—is just complete, irredeemable dogshit. “Oh God, they were terrible—like a group of screeching meerkats fighting for supremacy,” reported Matthews, adding that when he […]

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New San Francisco Resident and Google Employee Is Very Opposed to Gentrification

October 10, 2016 12:00 pm
New San Francisco Resident and Google Employee Is Very Opposed to Gentrification

This Sunday, David Peterson, who recently got a job at Google and moved to the Mission District, stated he was “very opposed” to gentrification in the Bay Area. Peterson, who will now be making $150,000 per year and living in a hip, 2 bedroom apartment in the Mission, told the […]

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Crane Just Fucking Sitting There

September 22, 2016 12:00 pm
Crane Just Fucking Sitting There
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Local Wonder Child Tragically Racist

May 23, 2016 12:00 pm
Local Wonder Child Tragically Racist
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Tactical Withdrawal From Conversation No Match For Tactical Airstrike

May 16, 2016 12:00 pm
Tactical Withdrawal From Conversation No Match For Tactical Airstrike

Austin Mckenton was tragically killed during Frost this past weekend as a Predator missile locked onto his position following his coy declaration that he “had to take a leak”, utterly annihilating him. Friends nearby reported that moments before his death, Austin had recognized that the conversation topic was becoming increasingly […]

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Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

April 25, 2016 12:00 pm
Drought Ends Just in Time for Admit Weekend

STANFORD, CA – After five years of alarmingly low levels of rain water that left California in a state of emergency, the drought was said to be no match for Stanford’s Admit Weekend. Witnesses mentioned that the bare bone reservoirs of Shasta, Oroville and Folsom were immediately filled back up […]

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Beautiful Campus Flower Freaking Out Below the Surface

11:55 am
Beautiful Campus Flower Freaking Out Below the Surface

Though its pink petals make it a welcome addition to campus’s spring flora, the gorgeous tulip that bloomed last week near Crothers admitted Sunday that it is completely freaking out below the surface. “I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this facade,” the bud admitted, shaking from […]

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Completely Unrelated Glue Shop Opens Next to Stanford Barn

April 18, 2016 1:17 pm
Completely Unrelated Glue Shop Opens Next to Stanford Barn

Last week, the totally innocent and legal glue shop, Leland’s Not-Horse-Glue Emporium, opened for business next to the Stanford Barn. This location next to the barn, which houses Stanford’s horses, has become a cause for concern, however.  Animal rights activists across campus have asked administrators, “What if the horses step in […]

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Testicle Outside Gym Shorts

April 4, 2016 12:00 pm
Testicle Outside Gym Shorts
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National Theta Chi Fraternity: “Human Centipede Is For Pledges ONLY”

12:00 pm
National Theta Chi Fraternity: “Human Centipede Is For Pledges ONLY”

Following news that they will be suing Stanford University, the national fraternity Theta Chi released a statement today that claims “Residents of Stanford’s Chi Theta Chi acted in a way that is reserved for our Theta Chi pledges.” According to Theta Chi spokesperson Cam Nelson, “Chi Theta Chi stole all […]

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