Students Enter Battle of the Bands to Save Stanford from Developers

November 7, 2016 12:00 pm
Students Enter Battle of the Bands to Save Stanford from Developers

STANFORD, CA— What seemed like another beautiful year at Stanford University may turn out to be its last. Unable to pay the $500 it owes to real estate developers, Stanford will be bulldozed at the end of the month to make way for new condominiums. As the foreclosure date nears, […]

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Palo Alto High School Administration Insists That Drawings On Bathroom Walls Are Actually “Elephants Without Ears”

November 3, 2016 2:14 pm
Palo Alto High School Administration Insists That Drawings On Bathroom Walls Are Actually “Elephants Without Ears”

Claiming the artwork was misunderstood and misrepresented, the school administration finally dispelled the confusion surrounding allegedly ‘vulgar’ drawings on bathroom stalls. Found mostly in male bathrooms, these drawings — usually consisting of two circles and an unnaturally long ellipse — were originally thought to have been drawn by Palo Alto […]

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Area Boy Big Kid, Won’t Trick Or Treat This Year

October 28, 2016 12:00 pm
Area Boy Big Kid, Won’t Trick Or Treat This Year

Palo Alto, CA — Sunday, October 17th, Area rapscallion Billy Thompson, 12, reportedly stepped out of his room with an important announcement to make: “I’m a big kid now, and I won’t be trick-or-treating this year.” His self-satisfied smile said it all — the rite-of-passage into adulthood was complete. “I […]

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Op-Ed: Believe Me, I Totally Read the Stanford Daily

October 24, 2016 12:00 pm
Op-Ed: Believe Me, I Totally Read the Stanford Daily

Normally I don’t read newspapers, but recently I sat down on a couch in the library and on the table in front of me I saw a copy of the Stanford Daily. I figured “hey, if this newspaper is everywhere, it can’t be that bad, right?” So here are my […]

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Area Middle Schooler To Call Friends Parent’s “You” For Next Six Years

October 17, 2016 12:00 pm
Area Middle Schooler To Call Friends Parent’s “You” For Next Six Years
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New A Capella Group Just Absolute Dogshit

October 12, 2016 9:00 am
Group of friends karaoke singing at the bar

Comparing their sound to that of “a great ape bellowing in pain,” junior Austin Matthews informed reporters yesterday that Stanford’s newest a capella group—the Winds that Blow—is just complete, irredeemable dogshit. “Oh God, they were terrible—like a group of screeching meerkats fighting for supremacy,” reported Matthews, adding that when he […]

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New San Francisco Resident and Google Employee Is Very Opposed to Gentrification

October 10, 2016 12:00 pm
New San Francisco Resident and Google Employee Is Very Opposed to Gentrification

This Sunday, David Peterson, who recently got a job at Google and moved to the Mission District, stated he was “very opposed” to gentrification in the Bay Area. Peterson, who will now be making $150,000 per year and living in a hip, 2 bedroom apartment in the Mission, told the […]

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Crane Just Fucking Sitting There

September 22, 2016 12:00 pm
Crane Just Fucking Sitting There
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Local Wonder Child Tragically Racist

May 23, 2016 12:00 pm
Local Wonder Child Tragically Racist
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Tactical Withdrawal From Conversation No Match For Tactical Airstrike

May 16, 2016 12:00 pm
Tactical Withdrawal From Conversation No Match For Tactical Airstrike

Austin Mckenton was tragically killed during Frost this past weekend as a Predator missile locked onto his position following his coy declaration that he “had to take a leak”, utterly annihilating him. Friends nearby reported that moments before his death, Austin had recognized that the conversation topic was becoming increasingly […]

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