Tim Smith, CEO of Trader Joe’s, just announced this week that the multi-million dollar conglomerate is branching out and opening a new line of sex shops. The first will be opened in San Francisco, kink capital of the world, and called Joe’s O’s (short for Joe’s Orgasm’s–haha that’s straight up GOLD). Smith says that their motivatin was to attract a new demographic: “We feel that our line is suited to more normie—I mean, conventional—buyers. We realized that we needed to go for something a little…spicier, and we’re not just talking about Trader Ming’s!”

Smith and his sex-addicted cronies have encountered just one problem: sex shops won’t be popular in cities where their grocery stores are. “I mean, can you really imagine a Palo Alto mom coming in for some leather whips? I think she’ll just stick with our chocolate covered almonds—which are on sale now, by the way! Only $17.99 for a half pound bag.” 

We asked Smith how they’d navigate the existing market of sex shops, to which he replied, “They exist already? Well, uh, I guess we can sell sex and chocolate covered almonds. Or sex-covered almonds. I don’t think other sex shops have those? We just have to take some of our world-class chocolate covered almonds and sex all over them.” 

Our one question: when will Whole Foods enter the sex shop market? After all, they have a world of products available to them now that they’re connected to Amazon—plus free two-day shipping. The smexci possibilities are endless.

Sign Up for Our Newsletter

Get the Stanford Flipside sent to your inbox!

You May Also Like

Study Confirms That Bitches, As Suspected, Ain’t Shit But Hoes and Tricks

When Dr. Dre proposed in his seminal theoretical work, “The Chronic”, the…

Study Finds: If Your Hand is Bigger than Your Face You Need Surgery

In a packed auditorium on Saturday, Stanford Hospital Director Ken Toshi informed…

Connections to Steroid Ring Finally Explain Peyton Manning’s Giant Forehead

Following last week’s announcement of an upcoming Al-Jazeera documentary that alleges that…