Tragedy struck late Sunday night when local drug dealer Ricky “The Goon” “The Man” “Goon Man” Randazzo, believing his cocaine operation had finally been found out by the Feds, shot to death a man wearing a novelty “Female Body Inspector” t-shirt.
The victim, Carter Fribb, had bought the misleading shirt earlier that day from a streetside vendor outside the San Francisco “Ripley’s Believe It or Not” museum. The shirt, in addition to featuring the phrase “FBI: Female Body Inspector,” also bore the silhouette of a large-breasted woman holding a smoking handgun. Fribb was 46.
“I mean, shit, I just saw the top part of the shirt and started shooting,” Randazzo told police after being taken into custody. “It was in self-defense, I swear! [Fribb] started moving towards me — very aggressively — and I did what I had to do. If only I had seen the bottom half, I would’ve known that [Fribb] wasn’t an elite government operative sent to take down my drug ring, but actually just a pervy middle-aged guy.”
Witnesses report having seen Fribb walking down the street while drinking a bottle of Mountain Dew: Live Wire before — suddenly and with no warning — the sound of gunfire rang through the air and Fribb fell to the sidewalk. Fribb’s wife and three children watched on in horror as crimson splotches slowly spread beneath his shirt, the Comic Sans lettering of the words “Female” and “Body” — beneath which, coroners would later confirm, sixteen separate hollow-point bullets had struck multiple vital organs — turned a sickly red.
Members of the actual Federal Bureau of Investigation, who are currently in the midst of an investigation into Fribb’s death, declined to comment. Services for Fribb will be held at Holy Trinity Lutheran Church this Sunday; Fribb’s family has requested that, in place of formalwear, mourners come dressed in clothing either bearing a marijuana-related pun or a Family Guy character.
At press time, officials had not confirmed whether or not Randazzo would be convicted for the murder, though legal experts predicted that he would likely be let off with a severe warning and a month of community service before being allowed to return to his drug dealing.