Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break

November 21, 2014 10:00 am
Views: 670
Op-Ed: I can’t wait to masturbate in my own bed over Thanksgiving Break

I just booked my ticket home and I am so excited. I can’t wait to spend some quality time with my family over Thanksgiving, then retreat to my old room and pleasure myself while lying in the same bed I laid in during my high-school years. I miss my two dogs, and I’m sure they’ll be so happy to see me, especially after I emerge from an extended masturbation session using the same crusty box of Vaseline I used to rub one out after submitting my college application essays.

My mom is inviting all of the family for a delicious home-cooked meal on Thanksgiving Day, and after feasting on her sweet potato pie, I can’t wait to lock myself in my old room and feast my eyes on several hours of the same pornography that I watched when I was 17. Just thinking about the jizz-stained headboard above my bed is making me homesick; I can’t wait to go home and no longer have to worry about my roommate catching me in the act. Damn, I’m feeling nostalgic already. I can’t wait to play with the old fleshlight I hid in my sock drawer and remember all the good times I used to relieve my high-school stress by furiously masturbating until the wee hours of the morning when everyone had already gone to bed.

Oh, and I guess seeing Aunt Linda will be kind of nice too.

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