You can never get any peace and quiet these days, can you? Once upon a time there was such a thing as knocking before entering a room or asking before sharing jockstraps, but nowadays everything is just free rein. The bathroom is the only safe haven left…or so I thought.

It all started yesterday at 1:13 pm on the second floor of my dorm, where there is the mother of all stalls. Incredible air flow, great space for pre- and post-defecation calisthenics, and lighting that highlights my jawbone in my mid-shit selfies. So there I was, comfortably carrying out the universal duties and deep into a game of Temple Run– I was absolutely smashing my top score, a sensational feeling, really– when all of the sudden I see this pointy hat slowly sliding under the divider from the stall next to me, followed by a wrinkly little face.

To say I was shocked would be akin to saying the Paleolithic Age wasn’t the most formative of our time– absurd! I hastily tried to cover myself, but the man seemed to care not whether I was half naked and dropping a log. Amidst my attempts to shunt him from my stall, he simply dropped his jaw, started spewing smoke, and chanted something about “answering these riddles three” and discovering, something, something, “whither and whence humankind reaches the picket fence.”

The audacity! The cojones on this man! Sticking his musty cap all up in my stall, disrupting the vibe of my potty time like that?!  I tried to get him out of there by peeing on him, but the old bastard just kept on chanting under the gentle spray. “Answer my questions if knowledge you desire, whether humanity will croak like a toad in a fire!” I got out of there so quick I forgot ti flush.

All I want is a place to be myself without people trying to tell me the fate of man or sell me the secrets to the universe or whatever. I’m so scared to go back in there that I haven’t shit for twelve days, and my new Temple Run scores are abysmal.

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